Where's my goddamn robot?

Human-like machines may end up looking after many of us in our later years. I want mine now, thank you.

Frank and Robot, from Robot & Frank. Source: IMDB.

Movies and TV shows shape our expectations about technology probably more than any other media — from hopeful ("Star Trek") to bleak ("Black Mirror"). Everybody wants a transporter and a holodeck; no one wants to find out that they're actually living inside a scripted reality show being hate-watched on Netflix. [1]

That's one of the reasons I like to talk about them here. So far, the AI-inspired media I've written about range from the utterly ridiculous (Electric Dreams) and wistful retro-future nostalgia ("Hello, Tomorrow!") to the incredibly annoying (Her) and bad-even-for-Bruce Willis (Surrogates). All of these shows present a future where technology either runs amok or fundamentally redefines our notions of humanity, not necessarily for the better.

Today's choice in the Cranky AI Cinema Showcase is Robot & Frank. [2] Released in 2012 and set in "the near future," it's the story of an unlikely friendship between man and machine.

Frank is a retired jewel thief played by the always great Frank Langella. He lives alone in a house in upstate New York. His memory is slipping, he eats Captain Crunch for dinner, his house is a pig sty, and he's pissed off at the world.

Robot is, well, a robot that's been purchased by Frank's son (the stupidly handsome James Marsden) to take care of the old guy, so he doesn't have to drive five hours each way on weekends to see if Dad is still kicking (because Frank refuses to take his calls).

Frank at first rejects Robot, then realizes he can use its help in pulling off a few burglaries. Robot (voiced by Peter Sarsgaard) is opposed to breaking the law but also programmed to keep him active and engaged, and so goes along for the ride.

There's also a love interest in the form of a local librarian (the eternally hot Susan Sarandon), as well as a daughter (the luminous Liv Tyler) who's too busy gallivanting across the globe in pursuit of worthy causes to pay him much mind. And when she finally does turn up, she's useless — can't cook, clean, or pick locks nearly as well as Robot can.

It's a cute movie, with a (somewhat implausible) twist. [3] But one of the most interesting parts happens at the very end. As the credits roll, we see clips of actual humanoid robots doing actual things in the real world — mostly, taking care of old people. The message is clear: Our robot-enhanced golden years are coming, sooner than you think.

That movie came out 11 years ago. So.... where all the damn robots we were promised?

Robo-a-go-go

The short answer to that question is: China. In fact, in 2017 I was asked to help officiate a Robot Fashion Show in Shanghai. [4] It was part of CES (Consumer Electronics Show) Asia, designed to highlight the different types of personal robots currently available. I was one of the judges, alongside my colleague and fellow robo-fashionista, Rob Pegoraro.

Today, six years later, I still get press releases from Chinese companies touting their latest models.

I'm not sure what 'Scud' is supposed to do; it looks like a refrigerator on wheels. Source: CSJBOT.

Most of these things are essentially robot butlers — they can carry a tray of drinks or food into the room, play music, provide information, dispense sundries, and provide companionship. In other words, not nearly as sophisticated as their fictional doppelgangers.

Robots are also big in Japan, whose government has invested $300 million+ in R&D on building robots for the same reason that James Marsden got one for his criminal father Frank: automated elder care. And with its rapidly aging population — the number of Japanese over age 65 by the year 2050 will equal the number under that milestone — Japan needs all the help it can get.

But it turns out that winding up a few androids, letting them loose in a senior citizens home and calling it a day isn't as easy as it sounds. So far, Japan's experiment with robo-care hasn't worked out quite the way they hoped it would.

The seal of approval. Source: MIT Tech Review.

Take Paro, a soft fluffy bot shaped like a baby seal that makes noises, moves its head, and wiggles its tail when people pet it. Per MIT Tech Review:

At first, care workers were quite happy with the robot. However, difficulties soon emerged. One resident kept trying to “skin” Paro by removing its outer layer of synthetic fur, while another developed a very close attachment, refusing to eat meals or go to bed without having it by her side.

Better than trying to skin a human care worker, I suppose.

Then there was Robear, a prototype robot designed to be strong enough to carry people with mobility problems.

Smiling on the outside, screaming on the inside. Source: The Guardian.

I don't know about you, but if I saw this thing coming at me with outstretched arms I would run (or crawl) as fast as I could in the opposite direction. And I am not the only one; Robear was discontinued before it ever got deployed in a real-life setting.

A partner in robo-crimes

I don't think people are intrinsically opposed to robots. Each year people buy around 15 million robotic vacuum cleaners, for example. But bots that are designed to look like, act like, and ultimately replace humans are a bit more of a leap. That's probably why so many of the personal robots built so far are deliberately goofy looking — to ease us more gently into our robotic future.

Personally, I'd be happy to live with a bot that cooked, cleaned, planted vegetables, and looked after my well being. I already spend too much time talking to inanimate objects, why not try an animate one for a change?

And maybe we can try a little light breaking and entering, just for kicks.

Would you live with a robo-servant? And if so, would you be able to sleep at night? Share your thoughts below, and spread the word about this blog to your fellow bipeds.

[1] "Joan Is Awful," Black Mirror, Season 6, Episode 1.

[2] Why this movie? Because the algorithms inside my Google Chromecast app suggested it. And the last thing I want to do is piss off the algos. They've got memories like elephants.

[3] I give it 3.5 out of 5 Bots.

[4] Best. Boondoggle. Ever. Thank you Robin Raskin for inviting me.